Breaking Wind
by Ivy Climbroe
Summary: My 1st parody! Hope you guys like it! FYI I think Stephanie Myer is a great author. I will continue if you like it. Its on Breaking Dawn. Please Read and Review! It makes me happy to see my reviews! -Ivy Climbro
1. Chapter 1

**Breaking Wind**

Chapter 1: Bella

_Breathe in…..Breathe out….Breathe in…..Breathe out. _Breathing, I realized, was a good thing. I watched the pedestrians gawk at my effortless good looks. I also noticed the pretty colors of the traffic light go from green, to yellow, to red. Once the light was green again I slammed on the gas to see how fast my sweet new mini van could go. When I got up to 75 it started to make a funny noise so I decided to go faster. That's when the gas got stuck. So I had to tuck and roll. It was a good thing the gas station was only a few blocks away.

Considering the fact that my car hit a tree, I guess I didn't really need to go to the gas station anymore—oh well. At the gas station I bought a nutty bar and one of those giant slushy drinks that Alice told me about. When I walked out, two weird guys were staring at my car.

"Where is your car ma'am?" asked the one in a suite.

"A few blocks down," I replied.

"The one smashed in the tree?"

"That's the one!" I said cheerfully.

"Well I'm afraid we will have to fine you."

"What!" I yelled. "Why!"

"You did not pay for your Allstate car insurance for six weeks!"

"Oh, okay," I said glumly. I gave the men the $700 I had in my pocket, and left the parking lot.

While I sucked down the slushy, I began to walk back to Edward's condo. _People who live in condos are so cool. They don't have to worry about what the shutters look like on their house _or_ their cars being fined because _they_ all have car insurance._ And, in the time it took me to think those few simple words, I was there, at Edward's glorious condo…or so I thought. I couldn't remember his address so I decided to ring everyone's doorbell to see if they knew where he lived. On condo 23 I found my answer.

"Hi there!" "Do you know where the Cullen's live?" I asked

"Oh, uh yeah, they live about 6 houses down," said the man who answered the door.

"Ok! Thank you!" I told him and skipped away merrily to condo 29. Before answering the door I quickly checked my teeth for red slushy stains and rang the doorbell.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: A Drag

The door opened and his face-the one I had been waiting for all day—was there.

"Edward!" I yelled, leaping into his arms.

Attempting to catch me, all he could say was,"aah...Oh...Rmph."

But that was fine with me!

"So, what do you want to do today?" Setting me down, he just shrugged his shoulders.

"Well….we could….no…..how 'bout…nah…um."

"Let's just hang out," I suggested.

After hanging out with Edward, I decided to hit the road. When I got outside, my truck sat in the driveway. _How does he do it?_ I thought in admiration. My truck sputtered to life and I was on my way home. I wondered what nasty excuse for a meal Charlie had made for dinner. At least he tries.

Once at home I threw out the moving piece of slop he had made and warmed up some KFC for Charlie and me.

"Thanks for the dinner Bells," he said, clearing his plate. He went to go sit in the armchair in the living room.

"No problem Dad, I'll be in my room _and NOT secretly seeing Edward while you stay down here. _ I gave him a half-hearted smile and skidded down the hall and crawled up the stairs like a dog.

When I got to my room something moved.

"Hello, Bella"

"God! I didn't think you'd be here NOW! I've only been home for an hour!"

"Actually, you've been home for one hour, sixteen minutes, and…forty three seconds."

"Ugh." Was my response.

"Well the wedding _is _tomorrow."

"Yeah, I know," I paused for dramatic effect. "But remember we have a deal so YOU STICK TO IT!" I yelled.

"Okay okay, geez! You really want this don't you?" He pointed at his vampire image.

"Yes. Yes I do."

"Now you just have to say that at our wedding."

"Well you need to leave, Charlie's coming," I told him, glancing at the door.

When I looked back he was gone. Typical Edward move. I got into bed thinking of my day. And planned what nightmare I would have tonight.

"Goodnight Bella," said Charlie.

"Night Dad," I said as lazily as I could manage. As though I had been half asleep.

After he closed the door, I tried not to think about getting married _tomorrow._ Glancing at my ring, I closed my eyes and went to sleep. Dreaming of the usual horrors I wake up to screaming. And I knew that when I got up, I was in for a real nightmare.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Humongous Day

"Aaaah!" I screamed. I was so frightened that I didn't even realize I was dreaming. _Today's the day, _I thought. While still wrapped in my warm covers, I lay thinking of how to look presentable for my wedding. _Oh yeah, Alice. She would come to my rescue. _I roll lazily out of bed, only to end up on the floor. After getting up, I changed into my most comfortable clothes, and made Charlie and I breakfast.

"Hey Dad, remember to pick up that one minister dude okay?"

"Don't worry Bells, I got it covered. That's the guy who provides the food right?"

"We're doomed." I whisper only to myself.

Just then, the doorbell rang. I quickly skidded to the door to greet my new soon-to-be-sister Alice.

"¡Hola! ¿Como estas?" I ask playfully.

"¡Bien! ¿y tu?"

I looked at her, shocked. I didn't know she knew so much French. After she led me to her Porsche, she began the insults.

"What have you done to your eyes?"

"I gave them bags." I said, ashamed.

"You know I've only got a small amount of time to make you stunning Bella."

"Yes, I know, I'm sorry."

"Good, I'd think you would take better care of the raw material I'm working with."

"But I'm already stunning." I told her. I couldn't help that everyone was jealous of my flawlessness.

"Whatever stops the tears Bella." She said with a chuckle.

"Now," she continued "you should know that you are already packed for the trip."

"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PACKING MY STUFF FOR ME?" I scream in her face.

After that her little pixie face got all red and squinty. When she was calmed down she told me to 'please not yell in her face and that she wants me to look properly when I'm on the trip, so she packed my things for me.' Realizing she had given something away, Alice told me she was careful not to think about me in the dress while Edward was around.

"Good." I say. "He's not supposed to see me until tonight."

"That's right." She agrees, but her tone seemed a little edgy.

"I'm sorry Alice." I said. "I'm just REALLY tired from last night." It looked like my excuse worked because her eyes softened and she apologized to.

Once at the Cullen's house, I noticed that it smelled like freesia, orange blossoms, and roses. I figured it was a way to cover up that retched vampire stench. With my eyes covered, Alice led me into her bathroom full of salon products. I began to feel my long night catching up with me. As Alice shoved me into the pink chair, I closed my eyes and began to wonder if I could just sleep through this whole thing.

But apparently not, because the first thing she did was pluck my eyebrows. Between winces, I began to think of Rosalie, and how she would totally be human rather than a gorgeous, blood-sucking vampire. And it was right at that moment, when she walked in.

"Hello, Alice. Is there anything I can do to help? I could do her hair." She offered.

My mouth was a gape. Rosalie had never liked me. Why now? I was throwing away everything she wanted in life. And she wants to _do my hair?_ It didn't make any sense. Unless she was planning to tie my hair into a big knot ball so I could never get it un-done. I began to sweat like a pig.

"Bella slow your heart rate. You're going to sweat your new face off."

"Sorry," I said. It was hard not to sweat when there's a room full of people down stairs wanting to see the bride and a viscous vampire trying to do your hair. After the sweats were through, I heard someone coming up the stairs.

"Oh Bella! You're so beautiful!" I heard Renée say from down the hall.

"Where did you get that dress? It's so elegant and graceful!"

"Oh, I'm going to go get Charlie." and before you could say 'Vampire' she was out the door. By the time my parents returned, I was nearly complete. They handed me a white box with two silver hair combs. I didn't know what to say so all that came out was; "_This _is it?" I held back tears so I wouldn't damage the makeup.

"Thanks!" I said as promisingly as I could. Even though I was expecting a flat screen TV.

Then, it was time. The music got louder, the talking had stopped, and everyone's eyes were on me. As I prepared to go down the stairs, I lifted my dress and put one foot on the first step. Next thing I know I'm plummeting to my doom face first down the stair case.

"Bella are you alright?" my mother exclaimed.

"I'm fine mom. Just some bruises that's all." I reassured her. _What a way to start the wedding._ I thought. _Maybe since Alice is so clumsy, I won't look like a TOTAL fool. _Edward burst out laughing. I glared at him for a long time after that. When I got up, everyone was watching me again, and the wedding proceeded. I was halfway down the aisle when I decided to take off in a sprint to Edward.

"I couldn't wait any longer." I told him

He just smiled that same boring smile. And we had secret staring contests while the minister-whom my dad actually got here, droned on and on. Finally, when it was my turn to say 'the words' I opened my mouth, put on some cherry lip balm, and said:

"I do."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Act

The wedding reception went by REALLY fast. I guess it was because I yelled at everyone to leave so me and Edward could finally have some alone time.

"Why did you kick everyone out?" he asked, standing out on the dance floor.

"They were annoying me." I said. "I haven't seen you in a loooooooong time." I stressed the word long so he would know how much I hated being apart from him.

"Well we didn't even get a chance to cut the cake." He said disappointed.

"Oh yeah, I didn't really think this through did I?"

All he did was smirk.

"You generally don't think." He said.

"GASP!" I yelled angrily. "Well you don't have to think! You just read other people's minds! So YOU don't have a brain! So there!"

"What! That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Yes it does."

"No not really."

"Whatever Edward just take me home."

"Wait. There is one more wedding present for you." He said, smiling now. It was dark out, but Edward led me through the black night when I heard someone else's voice.

"Hey Bells."

"Jacob!" I cried "Jacob where are you?" When I finally found him I wrapped my arms around him, sobbing.

"I'm so glad you came!"

"Well that was kind of the Idea." He chuckled.

"This is great. Now everything is officially perfect." I told him with a smile.

"That's good." He agreed but his face seemed hard.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's nothing. Just a stupid question is all." He said, glancing away.

"Jake, it's not happening for another week or two." I whispered.

"What's the hold up?" he asked

"Well you know, most women don't want to spend their honeymoon in unspeakable pain.

"I don't see the point though. You can't have a honeymoon with a vampire, why go through all the motions?" He asked.

"I can to have a real honeymoon! I can do anything I feel like doing! Stay out of my beeswax!"

Then all of a sudden Jake's eyes widened in shock. "You're having a honeymoon while you're still _human_! Are you insane! Bella that's a suicide mission! You can't do that, I won't let you!" His arms began to shake with rage. Grabbing me by the shoulders he began to yell. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID? YOU'VE FALLEN RIGHT INTO HIS TRAP BELLA! Now his whole body was quaking with anger. I was about to scream right back at him, when Edward stepped in.

"Don't touch her!" he yelled.

Jake's hands were still locked around me when he glanced at Edward. The last thing I remember was Edward hitting Jacob with a shovel. Wasn't expecting that. The rest was a blur. When I came to, I saw three Edwards. When there was finally one I reached my hand out to make sure he was real. But in the process I accidentally poked his eye.

"Sorry." I say. Holding his eye all he said was "ow."

_Well, I guess the worst is over._ I thought. But I really decided to reprimand myself like I usually do to make everyone else tell me how good I actually am.

"It's all my fault." I say to really milk it.

"Oh I know." Said Edward. "But Jacob was right. What am I thinking!"

"Well you _should_ be thinking that Jake is all wrong and we should have a honeymoon so I can become a vampire and live with you for all eternity." He just rolled his eyes.

"Can't you just see it?" I asked "living with me forever and ever." Edward shuddered but put on a smile for me.

"Okay," he said "We will still have a honeymoon."

"Hooray!" I clapped three times really fast for emphasis.

"Bella, it's time." I heard Alice say.

"Hold on, Alice." I said. Kissing Edward once on the cheek before Alice drug me away from him by my legs.

"We have to hurry. You're going to miss your plane."

"Why do we need to hurry?" Its not like I can't tell everyone to move out of the way or my husband will suck your blood." I giggled after that. But Alice just glared at me. "I'm joking Alice, don't worry, I'd never do that." I reassured her.

"We need to hurry because if I were you, I wouldn't want to spend my honeymoon waiting for the next plane to arrive."

"Sorry Alice, I'll cooperate now." I said.

"Well, in that case your things are all packed and in the car so all you have to do is get your human butt in there and prepare for the best honeymoon ever!" she said with a smile.

"Heehee!" Was all I could manage to say.

Before we left, I waved goodbye to Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Charlie and Renée. With the rice being pelted at him, Edward got into the car as quickly as possible and drove away. At the first stop light, he shook his hair, freeing it of the tiny rice bits still stuck inside. I, however was rice free, thanks to Edward who willingly shielded me from the evil food. As we turned on to the highway, Edward and I both knew we heard a noise above the roar of the engine. Neither of us spoke as the ear-splitting howling got softer until it died out completely.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Isle Esme

"Alright, looks like we're headed to Gate B5." Edward said, glancing at our tickets.

"Edward can you pleeeeaaase tell me where we are going?" I asked, putting on my best puppy dog face.

"No."

"Urrrgh. Well, can I at least sleep on the way?" It would be nice to get some good rest for a change.

"I don't care, I'll be awake anyway." He said, his face up, checking each gate with more caution than necessary.

_Why are men always so busy with maps and directions?_ I thought, grateful that Edward couldn't hear me in my stupid but beautiful head.

On the plane, I dozed off a few times, but I kept waking myself up due to the fact I was smacking Edward in the face, limbs flailing.

"Oh, sorry Ed." I said lazily. Falling back into my perfect dream world of the largest Hershey Bar ever invented.

An hour later, Edward poked my forehead in an effort to not only wake me up, but to tell me to stop sleep-farting.

"Whatevs" and I laid my head back down on the shockingly comfortable window.

"No, Bella we need to leave, the pilot is getting angry."

"Fine, where are we anyway?" I still had no idea where we were.

"Bella, I'm still not telling you. Now, we need to find a cab." He said, dragging me along through the airport.

"TAXI! TAXI!" Edward cried out in a relentless effort to get us a decent ride. He failed epically, so I had to get on his back while he did that weird running thing of his. He ran for about a 15 minutes, and we ended up at a dock, where a sleek boat built for speed gleamed in the moonlight.

As Edward leapt onto the boat with all our bags, he accidentally dropped one of mine. Spilling out all my bras and the leopard print thongs Alice had packed for me.

"You klutz!" I yelled, flinging a bra into his face. In desperate attempt to dodge my "boulder holder" Edward plummeted into the depths of the murky waters below.

Once out of the water, Edward glared at me for about an hour. I could tell he was mad because after that hour passed, he floored the engine so hard that _I_ fell in the water as he drove away.

"WAIT! I'M SORRY!" I screamed. "IT'S OKAY THAT YOU DROPED MY THONGS!"

After I realized he couldn't hear me, I began to doggie-paddle after him. When he turned the boat around, he helped me up and gave me a towel to dry myself.

"Screw you." Was all I could say.

A devilish grin spread across his face, so I decided to give him one back-but I raised my eyebrow menacingly to add effect. He tried to do the same but whenever one eyebrow went up, the other slowly followed. It was quite a sight.

"Ugh. We've been sailing for hours!" I complained.

"We are almost there Bella, don't worry." He said as soothingly as he could manage.

It worked.

Once we got to shore, I cried out something like this; 'Finally! We are HERE!' and 'Ah, boat wedgey'.

"Yes, yes we are here, now _you_ take the luggage and _I _will get everything else set up. Then he ran inside the extremely beautiful house. _Me? Get Luggage? Ha! I do not get luggage for sexy vampires!_

"Who am I kidding?" I mumbled, grabbing the suitcases I dragged myself the whole two feet to the front door.

"Edward! HELP MEEEE!"

"Not now! Where are your manners Isabella Swan!"

"Oh I didn't tell you? I left them in Forks" I snickered under my breath.

"Bella."

"Alright, fine ill bring the luggage."

After finally hauling all the bags to the door of our room, Edward took them in then shut the door.

"Hello? Can I come in?" I asked, a slight tone in my voice.

"Ugh fine." Edward called, muffled by the door.

I walked into the room immediately amazed with its interior. The bed was built for two with an old fashioned reminisce to it.

"This is gorgeous Ed-" I began to say but was interrupted by a doorbell.

_A doorbell. _I thought. _How exotic._

When I got downstairs, Edward was in his swim trunks.

"Come out when you're ready." He told me. And with that I ran upstairs to once again panic over my dramatic scenario that really took too long.

"Well" I sigh. "Time for another life risking dilemma." I mumbled, fumbling with my many skanky swimsuits Alice had packed for me…as usual. Once my swimsuit was on, I walked to the stairs, and took my first step toward another journey.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter: 6 Disturbances

"Bella? Are you coming?" Edward asked impatiently.

"I already told you for the fifth time! I'll be there in ten minutes!"

"FINE"

I checked my reflection in the mirror, I had no idea I looked so hot in lingerie. On my way down I fell, stubbing my big toe on a nail sticking up from the floor boards.

After pulling myself off the floor, I ventured out onto the white sand. I stared at Edward, who was presently floating above the waves and humming Lovebug by the Jonas Brothers.

"EDWARD!" I yelled, scaring him under the water.

_Oopes._ I thought while swimming out ten feet away from the rocky shores.

"Edward, are you alright?"

"Yes-yes I'm fine."

"Good, now what is it you want me out here for?" I asked, leaning in slowly.

But as soon as I did Edward backed away.

"What!" I said annoyed.

"Nothing-nothing let's just get this over with."

As the sun set and day turned to night, the moonlight shined upon the waves making them a smooth silver. We held each other as his hands wrapped around my body.

"WAIT! HANG ON A SECOND!" I screamed in horror.

"WHAT!"Your kind of killing the mood here!"

"Well, its just that-its so-small"

Edward looked down, ashamed.

"Wow. You can almost _feel_ the awkward." I say bluntly.

Anyway, after a few days of luxury on the island, I began to have a huge craving for bacon. I had it almost every morning.

"EDWARD! GET ME MY BACON!" I yelled from our room.

"Bella, I am not going to bring you more bacon, you are going to get fat."

"So what's your point?" I replied, staring at him blankly.

"Never mind here's your stupid bacon." He said, shoving it in my face as I immediately stuffed it in my mouth.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA I can't believe you fell for that!" He suddenly shrieked.

"What did you do to my bacon? Did you lick it? Because if you did I will personally kill you myself!" I yelled.

He just gave me a look that bored a whole in my head.

"Heh heh, she said sweetly" I added.

"No, what I did was give you turkey bacon instead of regular bacon!" he told me between chuckles

"Wow, you are just full of surprises aren't you?" I said still chewing my apparent turkey bacon.

"Heehee I know!" he giggled and ran out of the room. I sighed, _My Edward_.

After I woke up from my food coma, I walked down stairs to see what Edward was up to. I found him in front of the TV playing dance dance revolution.

"Um Edward…what are you doing?" I asked

"DDR BABY!" he screamed as he continued to step on the mat, nearly missing all the arrows on the screen. As the song progressed, it began to say things like "awful" or "bad" or "seriously dude, stop". OK that was mostly me but still, it was pathetic. I decided to join in just to rub in my awesome dancing skills.

Up. Down. Left. Right. Down. Those where the directions of the arrows on the screen. I hit the mat with flawlessness as Edward struggles going: Left. Up. Right. Down. Up.

"Forget it!" cries out Edward. "I can't do this anymore!" Suddenly Edward turns tan. I figured that's what happens to Vampires when they fall ill, rather than getting paler.

"Edward, are you feeling alright?" I ask.

My answer was confirmed as he collapses on the living room floor unconscious.

No I'm totally kidding but he really did faint from all the exertion while dancing, it was quite a sight. After Edward came to, he noticed the people sitting in the living room. He immediately began speaking a foreign language. A small woman whose eyes were stricken with fear, and the man sitting next to her hurriedly left the house.

"What's with them?" I ask Edward.

"They are just worried about you." He replies.

"Oh okay." I let the question of why slip past me.

What I wasn't expecting was when Edward picks me up and carries me back to the bedroom.


End file.
